Every couple is unique in how intimate they are together. The dynamic is determined by the personal experience of each of the partners, the degree of intimacy they need individually, and the dynamics in the relationship with respect to intimacy. The more we know a person, we can either appreciate what the person reveals to us or learn things about them that we would have preferred not to know. It is at this point that the dynamic with intimacy begins to form in the couple. When one partner reveals an intimate aspect to the other, there is inevitably a reaction in both members of the couple. The first reaction comes from the partner receiving the disclosure, which can be responded by rejection or acceptance of the new element introduced. The counter-reaction comes from the partner who has revealed himself and must then evaluate whether the disclosure was a good or bad idea.

This type of intimacy is promoted everywhere in the media, our social circles and the family. This type of intimacy can also be referred to as safe, because we only reveal personal information to which we know the expected response. Generally, we expect acceptance rather than rejection (sexual fantasies, seducing differently, proposing a new sexual style, etc.) We assume and even demand that our partner be reciprocal and in turn reveal personal information, so as not to put ourselves too vulnerable in front of the other.

All of this seems to be healthy and mature in a romantic relationship. No one gets hurt, you don’t put yourself too vulnerable, and you feel like you’re in an equal relationship: in other words, an emotionally safe relationship. We also call this type of intimacy “an intimacy validated by the other”, meaning the search to be validated by our partner when we reveal ourselves intimately. Ipso facto, you can’t be yourself, unless your partner accepts you as you are. So, we inevitably hide who we are so as not to feel rejected.

On the other hand, it’s also easy to imagine how this dynamic can hurt a long-term relationship. If we are able to disclose only the information we know or suspect, our partner will accept with open arms; It is inevitable that the couple will stagnate in their mutual and individual growth. By addressing only the elements of the couple where we will never be rejected or who will never hurt the other, we force ourselves to avoid major conflicts in the couple.

For example, sex life has not been particularly satisfying lately, but we don’t mention it, because we want to avoid hurting our partner or creating conflicts. At the same time, we avoid changing the sexual dynamic for fear of being rejected, looking ridiculous, or being judged by our partner for our sexual preferences. We can also apprehend our discomfort that this may create. This type of intimacy inevitably leads the couple to routine and redundancy in sexuality. As a result, sexual desire decreases for either one or both partners because each wants to play it safe. Comfort and security do not create sexual desire or develop eroticism

This type of intimacy requires a lot of self-comfort and self-confrontation. It only requires the participation of one of the partners for it to be established in the couple. This intimacy allows a person to be vulnerable in front of their partner, to demonstrate who they really are in their sexuality: difficulties, oddities and “foolishness” included, without being looking for approval and validation by the other. People who have the ability to have self-validated intimacy have a good knowledge of themselves and they feel pride in themselves. When they face rejection, they also have the ability to comfort themselves and accept the differences between themselves and their partner. In moments when they have to say things that are difficult to express to their partner, they can deal with the reaction and live with the distance that this can create between them.

Rejecting or being rejected is difficult for everyone, especially when it comes from our partner. We realize that there is a part of us or the other that is not appreciated. This forces us to face that we are not lovable, attractive, or competent in our entirety. People who validate themselves by others on the vast majority of their qualities have great difficulty in being rejected. When these people have to be rejected or feel rejected in relation to an aspect of their personality, they tend to generalize to their entire identity. They have little ability to self-comfort and confront themselves. They don’t see it as an opportunity to grow as people, but rather as a threat to their identity.