When our relationships are based on intimacy validated by the other, it is inevitable that we will hit obstacles in our sexual maturity. If we are only willing to reveal a small part of ourselves to our partner, we limit the degree of intimacy that our couple can share.

Sexual desire in a long-term romantic relationship can be affected by a multitude of elements in the couple dynamic. From the outset, sexual desire stays alive in couples who have the ability to reinvent themselves, try new things, experiment with sexual fantasies, and introduce a variety of dynamics into their sex lives. It consists of not being afraid of ridicule, of laughing and tolerating a certain sexual discomfort. When our couple uses intimacy validated by the other, we are afraid to do the elements listed above. Because they have the potential to create rejection and judgment from the partner. Couples validated by the other try to avoid them at all times so as not to hurt each other.

As a result, we find couples who have stagnated in their sexual development and maturity and therefore routine sets in. There is nothing but the predictability of sexual relations to extinguish sexual desire. Sexual desire exudes when there are elements of adventure, novelty, surprise, creativity and strong emotions. Routine in sexuality serves to make us feel comfortable and loved, but it lacks the ability to turn us on and develop desire for our partner.

Another aspect that influences sexual desire is our ability to tolerate vulnerability in ourselves and that of our partner. One component of sexual desire is the admiration we have for the other. If this is absent, little desire may exist between two people. How can we be vulnerable to others by revealing our weaknesses, our mistakes, our problems without diminishing the admiration we have for each other?

Admitting one’s limits requires a lot of courage and personal strength, which is admirable in itself, but requires taking it a step further. After placing yourself in this position of vulnerability, it is important to learn from it and grow as a human being and in love. When we witness our partner fighting internally to become a better person, we can admire and be proud to be with a man or woman with this will.

---

---

Seduction is another element that influences sexual desire in a couple. Most long-term relationships have the bad tendency to take their lovers for granted and they no longer see the relevance of seducing and “flirting” to win them back. Seducing our partner is required if we want to keep the flames of seduction in the couple. “Flirting” allows partners to have fun together, laugh, have fun, and sexualize their encounters, which potentially promises sex in the near future. If you don’t play the game, you can’t hope to win the prize!

Seduction can create a lot of frustration and rejection when one partner puts a lot of effort and does not achieve the desired goal. People who cultivate intimacy validated by the other will avoid seduction so as not to feel hurt once again. Couples who have the ability to validate themselves will try again and perceive it as a “challenge” to conquer their partner next time, rather than a failure. Seduction should also be seen as a game rather than a chore to get sex.

So, intimacy is intrinsically linked to the level of sexual desire that we share with our better half. It is necessary to increase our ability to tolerate self-validated intimacy by developing our sexual maturity, seducing our partner and doing personal growth!

---

---

Continuation of the dossier: Sexual intimacy

Lack of communication or difficulty tolerating intimacy?
*text inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch