For a long time, humans have been trying to understand the mystery of sexuality and more specifically what creates sexual desire in both men and women. There have been many debates, experiments, research, theories and hypotheses on the subject. To this day, there is still no consensus because the process of sexual desire is indeed complex, variable, individual and also relational.

The relational aspect is probably the variable that creates the most volatility of sexual desire in humans. She has the ability to create strongly felt sexual desire just as she can instantly destroy it. The relational aspect is the reason that most often leads couples to consult sexologists in therapy for difficulty in sexual desire, both in women and men. It is also one of the most difficult disorders to treat, but not impossible. Decreased desire in one or both partners is recurrent and normal in long-term couples. On the other hand, despite the normality of the thing, it does not simplify the work and the efforts necessary to find it or rather transform it. Moreover, unlike the physiological and emotional category of sexual desire, it follows a certain linear evolution. In addition, it is often related to one or more other types of sexual desire found in the other two categories. Let’s start by explaining more about the different types of sexual desire in the relationship category first.

The beginnings of a relationship are often surrounded by a certain euphoria, passion, novelty that instantly creates in people a sexual desire called passion. This stage of the relationship is generally experienced at the level of sexuality where both partners feel desired, desirable and desire the other in return. The slightest stimulation or thought from the other person arouses sexual arousal and a desire for physical closeness. It is a desire based mainly on the exploration of the other that ignites for many their adventurous and creative side of their sexuality.

The second phase can arrive quite quickly where romantic feelings are felt and emotional elements come into play. This sexual desire is characterized by the presence of love between two people. We start to get to know the person with whom we share an intimacy more and admiration takes more place in the dynamics of the couple. This admiration is the energy that motivates and arouses the sexual desire of partners. The impulse towards the other is often more affectionate with a mixture of sexual and sensual elements. The desire can be motivated by the desire to start a family or to get closer emotionally. At this stage, we often find a desire that is fusional with the other. Create the feeling of being unique in the eyes of your partner through sexuality and especially during penetration (vaginal, anal or oral). This phase can last 1 to 3 years, but rarely more.

If the couple is able to establish a feeling of attachment and commitment, they move on to the sexual desire for attachment. This type of desire has often lost its sexual component and is replaced by a deep and more emotional complicity. We also know our partner in more depth, including his or her less admirable and desirable sides that weigh heavily on the admiration we can have for him or her on a sexual level. There is therefore a decline in the couple’s sexual creativity, a routine that sets in, we take our partner for granted, seduction disappears, sensuality and eroticism decreases. This phase of desire is not uncommon in couples who are starting to start a family. Unfortunately, the long duration of this phase can make it difficult to overcome it once the family situation is more stable.

Generally, a lot of frustration, conflict, rejection have widened a sexual distance between the partners. Differences become more apparent between them, which do not arouse sexual desire. The difference between everyone’s level of sexual desire is also an element that is brought to light. It is here that we notice that he has a PGD (Partenaire with a Grand Desir) [sexual] and a PFD (Partenaire with a Faible Ddesir). This dynamic at the level of sexual desire tests the alliance that the couple has built during their many years of relationship.

This fourth and final phase of sexual desire is quite a test to overcome, because it requires work at the level of oneself and the
couple. Many couples decide to stagnate in the previous phase of attachment and lovers remain sexually dissatisfied. Others see breaking up as an option to their sexual and relationship difficulties. Some will choose infidelity to meet their needs or will establish a mutual agreement that allows them to date other people outside the couple to compensate for the lack of desire. These last two possibilities do not solve the problem within the relationship. Read the next article to learn ways to take the next step in your relationship!

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François Renaud M.A

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*texts and concepts inspired by the various books by Dr. David Schnarch and Ester Perel