Fidelity is defined as the respect of one’s commitments to a person. In the majority of romantic relationships, there is a form of fidelity, even in swinger couples. On the other hand, the behaviors that an individual may consider unfaithful vary enormously. In fact, our perception of faithfulness can change over the course of our lives and it is different for everyone. The continuum of behaviors considered unfaithful is long and the combinations are endless. Some individuals consider it unfaithful to fantasize about someone other than their partner, while for others only a penetrative sexual relationship will be experienced as infidelity. Others will perceive infidelity as a romantic attachment, but not as sexual attraction. Sometimes, fidelity is not always defined by behaviors, but by the intentions that a person may have during behaviors. The examples are limitless and may vary from one relationship to another.
For this reason, it is very important for couples to discuss their perception of fidelity. An essential step often forgotten in serious relationships. Some will even avoid the discussion for fear of knowing their partner’s opinions on the subject and causing conflict. This can demonstrate a
difficulty with intimacy. It is also relevant to discuss everyone’s reactions to infidelity and the consequences on the relationship (breakup,
couple therapy, reflection on the continuity of the couple, acceptance, etc.). We can even have an exchange about the relevance of confessing infidelity or keeping it to ourselves. Each of the elements helps clarify each other’s point of view and the implications for the partners before committing to a couple.
Difficult discussion
Fidelity touches on fundamental values in individuals. It can bring back memories that can be painful, sad, related to betrayals and major disappointments. We may also face significant differences between us and our partner on what we will consider fidelity. These disputes can make one of the partners insecure, usually the one with a narrower definition. This discussion confronts the partners with respect for their loved one’s opinion of a major value. It is also important to determine how much we want to maintain our perspective on behaviors that we consider to be unfaithful.
On the other hand, some couples have similar definitions of fidelity and the discussion does not generate conflict. In situations where boundaries are clear, jealousy should no longer have a place in a relationship. If everyone agrees on their perception of the behaviors, intentions and actions to be respected, trust should reign in the couple. Jealousy being a universal emotion in humans, it has no use in a loving couple.
How to manage the difference
No one wants to experience a betrayal and have to endure the trying emotions that follow. When there is a difference of opinion on fidelity, there is an important and necessary reflection to avoid quarrels in this regard in the future. Although our definitions differ, it is important to understand that it will be necessary to accept and tolerate certain elements that go against our values if we are to maintain this relationship. What are the discrepancies between you and your partner? What are you able to tolerate in them? What changes can each partner make to respect differences if you can’t reach an agreement? How do you imagine your relationship will develop?
Since fidelity is a part of almost all long-term romantic relationships, it is essential to have a discussion about everyone’s intentions and perceptions towards it. This discussion, although it can be difficult and lead to breakups, often avoids arguments, misunderstandings and feelings of jealousy. It also clarifies the commitment that the partners make to each other. However, some people will still feel jealousy even after discussing it.
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