Jealousy is an emotion that we can’t control, but that we can manage in spite of ourselves. Some people have excessive jealousy that can cause them several difficulties in many relationships both professional, friendly, family, sexual and romantic, while others will have fragility in only one type of relationship. Considering that jealousy exists in several relational spheres and generates different issues for each one, we will limit ourselves to romantic and sexual jealousy.

It does not require excessive jealousy to perpetuate harmful effects on the couple. Jealousy always emanates from insecurity in the person who feels it, but we often blame others to justify our behaviors. This creates arguments in the couple about the trust we have in our partner, unjustified accusations, interrogations, an excessive need to be validated on our partner’s fidelity, bullying of freedom and so on. Some people or couples will go so far as to limit their partner’s thinking by considering the sexual fantasies of a third party as infidelity. We will limit outings or certain associations to ensure that fidelity in the couple is maintained. Examples like these are multiplying in couples where one or both partners are jealous.

These restrictions demonstrate low self-esteem and a lack of trust in one’s partner that will have difficult consequences on the couple in the medium to long term. Eventually, the partners no longer feel capable of being and living freely. The many quarrels in the couple will take up more and more space and the harmonious and fulfilling life so sought after in a romantic relationship will slowly disappear. There are certainly couples who manage to stay together despite the limits they impose on themselves. On the other hand, do they have a sense of well-being in their relationship? How do they experience the feeling of perpetual insecurity? Do the partners feel free to be themselves? How does he enjoy the feeling of being constantly watched?

Jealousy can eventually create dissatisfaction in one partner who wants to have more freedom and their (often sexual) desire for the other will decrease or even disappear. For example, one partner will no longer want to reassure the other, will refuse to answer interrogations and will sometimes go so far as to lie about their dating and outings to buy peace in the couple. For many, the feeling of having to constantly secure and value their partner decreases their sexual attraction to their lover. The emotion of pity can take precedence over that of admiration.

Jealousy is a painful and difficult emotion to manage. We often prefer to get rid of it than to explore its origin, because often the exploration of it shows parts of our personality that we prefer to relegate to the background. Jealousy is an emotion that destroys not only our relationships, but ourselves. It eats away at us from the inside to externalize itself through unpleasant behaviors that harm our relationship. First, like all interpersonal difficulties, one must recognize one’s own part in the love dynamic. You have to stop blaming your partner and confront yourself. We must accept and recognize our true value in the eyes of our partner and learn above all to validate ourselves by ourselves and not constantly by the other. This task is difficult, because human beings have a greater facility in remembering insults, mockery and judgments made about them rather than compliments, signs of affection and love that they receive from others. A jealous person often feels the need to be reassured and validated by his or her lover and by the same token feel loved.

Jealousy behaviors are mainly used to seek the love that the other person has for us. Moreover, a person with low self-esteem needs to feel love. She will use all kinds of inadequate and unhealthy means to get it from her partner rather than doing it on her own by validating herself. When we validate ourselves through the other person, we succeed in calming our insecurities and relational anxieties in a temporary way. In the long term, this is harmful for a couple who wants to flourish personally, in relationships and sexually. Couples where each partner manages to validate themselves by recognizing and accepting their true worth, their flaws and those of their partner, will avoid the painful feelings of jealousy.

We must therefore recognize our qualities and accept our defects. This task, for some, consists of heavy and laborious work on oneself that may require the help of a sexologist through therapy. What are your strengths in a couple? What does your partner like about you? What flaws make you fragile and could affect your feelings of jealousy? What are your ways of valuing yourself? How might you deal with your jealousy?

Several false perceptions about the couple can also lead to difficulties with the feeling of jealousy. We have to understand that we can’t meet all the needs of our partner and vice-versa. It is unrealistic to believe in this way, as some needs will have to be met by oneself and others will be met by family and friends. It is difficult to accept this reality, because we have to admit to ourselves that we are not the one and ONLY person who meets the needs of our partner. This sense of uniqueness that makes us feel special and love temporarily creates false expectations of ourselves and our partner. Therefore, when we perceive a behavior that destroys this ideology, jealousy behaviors emerge to restore our erroneous vision of romantic relationships. Jealous people therefore have difficulty accepting this truth of the couple. Of course, lovers bring unique elements to each other, but it is wrong to believe that we can meet all of our partner’s needs and to perceive ourselves as unique in their eyes in all aspects of their lives.

Jealousy brings a lot of distress to a couple and harms its stability and personal, relational and sexual fulfillment. Jealous behaviors are avoided:

People who want to live a fulfilling sexuality and a fulfilling life as a couple in all respects must work on their jealousy. This will allow you to appreciate yourself and your partner more. To be able to love the other, we must have the ability to love ourselves in all our aspects.

Let’s set the record straight on jealousy (PART 1)

Discussing Fidelity in Your Relationship (Part 2)

Learn more about the author

François Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Downtown Montreal

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