Growing from infidelity The traumatic experience of infidelity No…
Infidelity: The worst thing that could happen to your relationship?
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- Infidelity: The worst thing that could happen to your relationship?
Growing from infidelity
The traumatic experience of infidelity
No one would want to experience infidelity from their partner. Betrayal, hurt emotions, hatred, resentment, unanswered questions, feeling unwanted, competition with the other partner. Nothing about infidelity seems to be positive and the first thing one would like to do is end the relationship immediately. What your entourage will strongly recommend you to do. However, for some reasons, you are not reassured that you want to leave and you may even feel guilty about doing so. What would explain such ambivalence towards a person who has deeply hurt your feelings and broken your trust? What if this infidelity was the best thing that could have happened to your relationship and your sex life!
Learning from infidelity
Think again, if you think that I am in favor of infidelity. This experience can be compared to a traumatic event that your partner selfishly betrayed you to satisfy their need with another person. Infidelity is unfortunately not that uncommon in both men and women and they do it for various reasons. The reasons for this act are exactly what you can learn about. The decision-making process of the unfaithful partner is a rich source of understanding about the relationship dynamics of the couple and the dissatisfactions of each one.
It is quite possible that the answers you will receive will be difficult to hear or even sometimes wrong. At other times, they will not satisfy your curiosity about what really happened during the infidelities. However, he may make you realize that he had deep dissatisfaction in your relationship and your sex life. It is even possible that you will realize that you have betrayed them in a way other than through extramarital affairs.
It is important not to shift the blame to the person who was deceived during this discussion. The important thing is to take the time to listen to each other and really take into consideration what we have done to each other in the last few years. How all these events unfolded and how you can now fix it.
What questions should be asked?
The time at which it took place, the number of calls, the when, the how, the where are not questions and answers that reduce the suffering of an infidelity. In reality, the answers will probably make the situation worse and don’t really answer the question you’re afraid to ask. A real dialogue about the infidelity of our partner can strongly confront us with our shortcomings and that requires special listening, even if we may feel that we should be the person to be comforted during this moment. Questions that can shed light on infidelity include:
- What did you get out of the sexual experience with the other partner?
- What were the gaps in our relationship and sex life?
- Have you tried to tell me about it? How?
- Have I taken the time to listen to your requests?
- Why have we ever talked about it before?
- What led you to make the decision to be unfaithful?
- Did you think of me before, during or after?
- Do you feel guilt and about what?
- How can we fix this situation for our future?
What do we do with the answers?
The discussion of the above questions is probably not an answer you wanted to hear. You may realize how dishonest your partner is or how you ignored or hurt them as well. Possibly a bit of both. You may decide after several conversations on the subject that the best decision for you is to leave this relationship because this is the only way you will maintain your integrity and self-respect. You may also consider that you had a part to play in this story, even if you are not the person who made the decision to be unfaithful. You may have ignored the signs and your responsibilities in your relationship to maintain a fulfilling relationship and a satisfying sex life.
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| Infidelity is a complex process that couples need to explore in depth before making a decision |
Rebuilding trust in the relationship
Jealousy and possessiveness
It is not uncommon for jealousy and possessiveness to take on a significant magnitude following a wounded ego. After these injuries, we often try to secure ourselves and regain some form of control over the situation. It is important that this jealousy and possessiveness do not stifle the new dynamic of the couple following an infidelity.
The partner who has been unfaithful can help reassure about the boundaries in the relationship and his actions for a while. It is important, however, that this does not become the new dynamic where you are in the grip of your feelings and that everyone feels in a prison of insecurity.
Jealousy and possessiveness are common reasons why there is infidelity in a couple. Feeling like you’re caught up in a relationship you can’t escape often causes you to jump over the fence. The partner who has experienced infidelity must find ways to comfort themselves and build a solid-flexible identity and esteem that allows them to feel desirable in their own eyes. Changing our dynamic from validating ourselves through our partner to valuing ourselves by ourselves, enhances our own sense of desirability and creates a good foundation for the relationship.
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Acknowledging the harm and harm done
The partner who has cheated often does not feel remorse for having been unfaithful, but rather for having hurt the other person. When he or she was in the process of being unfaithful, the unfaithful person often felt alive, desirable, and awake. Rarely, a person will regret this euphoric feeling.
Showing true remorse for what has been done shows that we still care about our partner, even if he or she has been deeply hurt. The person who had the extramarital affairs now has to deal with the wound created and the harm of their behavior.
We cannot hurt another person by our actions and then ask that they not be able to talk about it. The person who cheated on their partner now has to face the consequences of their actions and see the mirror of the devastation they have created.
It is important that the person who has been cheated on can have space to talk and go through the process of their pain. On the other hand, you shouldn’t use this time to attack the other person and play the victim in the scenario. Fully healing from a betrayal where we felt safe and healthy in our environment takes some time. This time must be used intelligently to mourn a reality that will never exist again.
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