Bringing out the worst in a person What does infidelity…
Revenge: The Dark Side of Infidelity
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- Revenge: The Dark Side of Infidelity
Bringing out the worst in a person
What does infidelity mean for a relationship?
In the last article, we discussed the learnings to come out of infidelity. We looked at the elements that can lead partners to be unfaithful. When we take the time to reflect on our contribution to dysfunctional dynamics in our relationship, we can begin to repair what was already broken before infidelity.
It was quickly mentioned how the betrayal and neglect of our partner is done in different ways than through infidelity. In a relationship, we have implicit rules and expectations towards each other that we very rarely discuss together. When they have not been specified, it leads to dissatisfaction in the relationship. Partners can lash out at their spouse when they feel that their expectations have not been taken into account.
Take some time to think about the expectations you had at the beginning of your relationship and the expectations you have now. Have they changed? Does your partner know them? Do you know and understand his? Did you just assume that they had the same ones as you? Do you feel like you’ve taken care of it? If not, why did you neglect them? Does your partner take care of your expectations?
Feeling of exaggerated rights
Human beings have a tendency to demand obligations from their partner in a relationship, even when they do not demand the equivalent of themselves. When we have the impression that our partner must respond to our requests and desires without questioning whether the other can or wants to do it, it creates great frustration in a couple. When it feels like your partner has neglected your expectations, it can spark the motivation to get revenge and be mean to each other. Sometimes we will neglect our partner’s expectations and requests because we want to punish them for ignoring ours. Eventually, we find ourselves in a relationship with two people who constantly punish each other for the lack of effort that each contributes to the couple.
Wanting sex and not having it
Let’s look at an example where the feeling of exaggerated rights and our expectations can bring wounds and downcast egos. Sophie wants more sex than Kim who has always been the partner with the least sexual desire. Sophie has the perception that sexuality is an essential element in the satisfaction of a couple. Kim wants more quality time and shared responsibilities for children and home-related tasks. When one of them does not receive what she expects from the other, she deprives the other of their expectations. Naturally, each of the partners accumulates frustrations, resentment and the seed of revenge grows quietly and painfully in the dynamics of the relationship. Both partners feel hurt that the other does not care about her, neither hand is ready to meet the needs of the other because their ego will have to take a hit.
Revenge tastes good, but it is ultimately bitter
Even if revenge is perceived as unhealthy behavior, it does not take away from the instant satisfaction felt when it is applied. Most people will deny having this tendency, but there are few people who don’t have the reflex to use it when they feel that they are being taken advantage of. Admitting to your partner that you do this in your relationship is considered for most to be relational suicide and a reason for immediate separation. If you decide to admit it to your partner, do yourself and your relationship a favor: DON’T PRETEND IT’S DONE UNCONSCIOUSLY!
It is profoundly difficult to stop this tendency to take revenge because we feel pleasure in putting it into practice. We even feel justified in doing so! When you have two spouses who play the game of revenge and exaggerated rights, you end up with a lot of emotional wounds and a particularly unsatisfying relationship. This relational dynamic is not always obvious and it can be very subtle as well as difficult to perceive.
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| Hurt the other person and take pleasure in it |
Taking revenge through infidelity
The subtlety of revenge in a couple can sometimes lead a partner to be unfaithful. One of them could use this justification to go and provide for their sexual needs and desires, believing that they are being neglected by their partner. All the while knowing that this was done in spite of their spouse. You may be imagining that this is a monstrous way of perceiving couples’ relationships. I would totally agree, but this vision of relationships is also an opportunity to bring out the best in others. As David Schnarch says so clearly in this quote: “the best of us demonstrates the worst in us, because the worst in us denies its own existence”. In other words, when we acknowledge and admit the harm we cause in our relationships, it gives us the option to act differently. If we continue to deny our tendencies of revenge, we will continue to do so and destroy our relationship.
Confronting your inner demons
When the partners in a romantic relationship individually decide to confront the horrors they commit to each other on a regular basis, it is at this point that real change can begin. When we deny what we do to our spouse on purpose out of revenge and a sense of exaggerated rights, we create an even more horrific dynamic where we perpetuate the myth that we can’t be a better person.
Are you able to face each other in the presence of your partner?
You liked the text and want to know more about sexuality:
Discover a sexuality you really want by Reviving Sexual Desire in your relationship
A fulfilling and pleasant sex life does not happen spontaneously…
It needs to be recreated throughout your relationship.