Mind-mapping: Your relationship and improved sexuality Alleged communication problems In…
Beyond communication issues
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- Beyond communication issues
Mind-mapping: Your relationship and improved sexuality
Alleged communication problems
In a previous article, we explained the different types of mind-mapping and how couples used them to pretend to have communication difficulties. We will now approach the topic more positively by elaborating on ways to use mind-mapping to resolve conflicts and enjoy better sex.
Facing the real difficulties of the romantic relationship
You have realized with your partner your ability to mind-map, which is a good time to be more honest with each other. These skills are not learned in a book or a class, but require the experience of being in a relationship. Being in a conflict with our partner, we are threatened on two fronts: losing ourselves or our romantic relationship. This dilemma causes people to argue over weeks because they are not able to tolerate both options.
It’s a constant war between protecting yourself and the relationship. We want to end the argument by winning and not too destroyed while having our partner who still loves us afterwards. Sometimes we recognize that our behaviors are unhealthy and we just don’t want our partner to use it against us. Which we absolutely don’t want, because we want to have the advantage in the relationship.
Do you tolerate vulnerability?
No one likes to feel vulnerable and is often perceived as a weakness. Culturally, there is often a tendency to associate it with women, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Any human being can feel vulnerable and we all try to feel it as little as possible. Men and women are no more inclined to be or want to be. On the other hand, women are encouraged to show more of their emotions, but not their vulnerability. Most people make the mistake of looking at these things as a whole.
Vulnerability in the sense of being deeply intimate with another person requires a very high level of self-knowledge that is solid and flexible (self-esteem). It is our ability to recognize who we are and openly disclose the beautiful and not-so-beautiful parts of our personality. It takes courage, not weakness, to unveil the greatest depth of our “inner self”. It also takes a lot of strength to stand up when the person we love most uses our vulnerability against us. This unfortunately happens all too often. Let us try to illustrate these words:
- You are expressing one of your sexual fantasies that does not include your partner or that could deeply disturb them. How do you react if he/she feels hurt or becomes frustrated?
- You have had little sexual intercourse in the past year and you tell your spouse that you no longer have sexual desire for him/her. How do you tell him? How do you feel? Imagine his reaction.
- You try to look your partner in the eye during sex. You feel that he/she is avoiding the gaze. Are you comfortable bringing up the subject? How do you proceed? Are you ready to hear the real answer?
Living with vulnerability; A challenge in itself
Tolerating our partner’s vulnerability
It’s not just about being vulnerable, but about tolerating your partner’s vulnerability as well. This requires having an accurate image of them that will not always please you. When a person reveals their intimacy and vulnerability, people usually become uncomfortable and question themselves.
We feel our own vulnerability in these moments whether we like it or not. So, when our partner names things that we don’t want to hear, we want them to back down on their words or actions. Mind-mapping skills are on board at this stage. Following a person’s vulnerability, our mind-mapping skills are on high alert at this time. We mind-map our partner and ourselves. Sometimes we want to mind-mask ourselves or implant false beliefs to eject the situation. Imagine the following three situations and be honest with your answers?
- Your partner surprises you in bed with a new sexual experience (tying up, stripping, spanking, etc.), but you’re not comfortable with it. What would be your typical reaction in this scenario?
- Your boyfriend or girlfriend who has always been caring and strong for you asks for time for yourself and lets you manage your own difficulties. How do you feel at his request?
- Your lover finds it difficult to tell you that he or she has never liked the way you kiss. What do you do with this information?
Intensity of vulnerability in the couple
Vulnerability is really annoying , unpleasant and we would rather be anywhere else during these moments. Learning to calm down during our time of vulnerability is the way we can connect deeply with our partner. He sees us and we see him, which can bring two people closer together or distance them from each other. We are often emotionally overloaded with the connection, which creates an ambivalence of wanting to stay as well as wanting to get out of this presence. We are fully naked in this space with the other, which makes us fragile and strong at the same time.
Learning to tolerate this discomfort changes our “self-innermost” to a degree that “communication techniques” could never imagine achieving. You have to mind-tracker yourself and your partner while avoiding mind-masking. When you feel the emotions rising, let them pass through you. Sometimes, you will feel a lump in your stomach or throat that you will want to repress. In the most difficult moments, we develop a new understanding of ourselves and our partner by accepting to be who we are as a person.
From conflict to intimacy
When we let mind-mapping be part of our relationship, we let ourselves go in the connection with the other and we manage conflicts differently. Being vulnerable in a conflict makes us desirable in the eyes of our lover. If we can recognize that it took courage, resilience, and strength, it can encourage the other person to do the same. Mutual respect for oneself and the other begins to grow and builds a sexual desire in the relationship that allows one to have sex with a new depth.
The best sex of your life
Mind-mapped sex creates the best kind of sex. We let ourselves be fully connected with the other and we don’t waste our energy to mind-mask. There is an ultimate letting go with your partner of the moment. No one needs to hide or camouflage anything and we let ourselves be completely experienced in the intensity as well as the (sexual) emotions that come with a SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.
It’s not just about exchanging orgasms or masturbating into each other like most people do in their sexual activities. We look into each other’s eyes for a long time and we take the time to feel every inch of the skin we are exploring at this present moment. We want to be seen and see the other in the deepest part of who we are. There’s nothing more liberating than mind-mapping sex!
More than just ass-ass emotions
Think again if you believe that this type of sexuality is only practiced in love and the greatest tenderness. On the other hand, it can also be very satisfying to do it in this way. The type of sexuality we are talking about here is very passionate and charged. It’s not just an emotional connection, but also sexual. You can have this connection in a “one night” if you want. You just have to allow yourself to be fully vulnerable with a stranger. Nevertheless, a deeper connection can usually develop into a long-term relationship. This gives more importance and meaning, and therefore more intense as a sexual experience.
François Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Downtown Montreal
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It needs to be recreated throughout your relationship.