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You have to deserve and put effort into having good sex

Sex is natural, but it’s not innate. You have to learn, experiment, and explore sexuality before it can get good. When you start a romantic relationship, sexuality is relatively simple, fun and fluid. You can quickly feel connected with the other person and you experience an intense rush of physical sensation. Novelty is everywhere and we discover the other person with each sexual relationship we have with this person. It takes little effort to feel sexually aroused, and desire seems to come spontaneously and frequently.

So why doesn’t this last in long-term relationships? Why does sexuality seem more difficult to start and feel sexual desire for your partner the more time goes by? Sexual routine, redundancy, predictability of sexual intercourse, recurring and unresolved conflicts are often the culprits in this story.

The mountain of sex and its summit

A couple’s sexuality can be compared to a mountain to be explored. At the beginning, we discover it and we are at the bottom of the mountain. There are plenty of leads to discover, some seem easier than others and some seem impossible to overcome. The avenues you choose to explore at the beginning of a relationship are usually the easiest. Each track represents a part of you and your partner. Some are differences and conflicts to come, which we avoid at the beginning of the relationship. We only reveal what we are willing to make known to the other. We want to avoid rejection, so we don’t dare to make ourselves known too much, especially in terms of sexuality.

We often tend to always explore the same avenues in our sexuality. We do the things that are familiar and where we feel safe. On the other hand, hiking on the same trail or having sex in the same way always brings us to the same point. You end up getting tired of it with time. This is where the sexual difficulties begin. It is more difficult to feel sexual desire to do the same thing again, so we are less aroused which creates impatience, frustration and displeasure during sex.

Will is power

On the other hand, exploring other avenues in sexuality comes with these pitfalls. You have to explore parts of the mountain (of yourself and the other) that will be difficult to overcome. You don’t feel the security you used to have, because you find yourself in unknown areas that have never been explored. You have to learn new ways of being and push your limits in your sexuality. Unfortunately, many couples don’t want to put in the effort to reach the top of their (sexual) mountain.

“Experiencing discomfort and sexuality don’t usually make a good mix for good sex. That’s true, but nothing in life is really worth it if you don’t put in the effort and don’t dare to go beyond your comfort zone.”

Tolerating the discomfort of exploring one’s sexual self

Sometimes, we can even have difficulty accepting our sexual self. We limit ourselves in our sexual behaviors due to our sex education, which has instilled negative messages. We adhere to these values without questioning them, which harms our sexual evolution (exploring the dark side of our mountain). Couples often report to me that what’s going on in their heads is more exciting than what’s going on in their bed, but don’t dare share it with their lover. When I ask the question “why can’t the two be more similar”: they often fear the reaction of the spouse or judge themselves on their sexual preferences.

Do you dare to fully discover your sexuality?

Experiencing discomfort and sexuality usually don’t make a good mix for good sex. That’s true, but nothing in life is really worth it if you don’t put in the effort and dare not go beyond your comfort zone. Taking your courage in both hands and climbing the (sexual) mountain slopes that are more strenuous and hazardous will give us a better view and a better knowledge of our partner, as well as of ourselves.

“It’s important here not to lose your integrity, but to dare to explore spheres of sexuality that used to make you uncomfortable.”

If you want to keep sex easy and without too much effort, this is your choice. On the other hand, you will only see the bottom of the mountain and stay there. You’re never going to reach your full sexual potential or see the peak with all that that entails. #unemauditebellevue

In concrete terms, what do we need to do to reach the top?

Life as a couple has been difficult, especially if you add the children to the formula. However, it is not impossible. First, you need to prioritize the relationship and sexuality as well as develop your sexual creativity. You must tolerate revealing more about your sexuality with your partner and have the perseverance to continue despite difficulties and failures.

• Try new ways to seduce your partner and initiate sexuality
• Experiment with various attitudes during sex: sexy, humorous, dirty, lover, etc.
• If you tend to be gentle, affectionate, and tender, try a dirtier, fierce, etc. The opposite is also true.
• Open the lights and your eyes
• Look your partner in the eye for a long time
• Focus on connecting with your lover and not just having an exchange of orgasms
• Enjoy yourself rather than just get aroused and do sexual techniques
• Talk about your fantasies
• Be spontaneous and try to surprise the other person (This is difficult, but not impossible)

Increasing one’s intimacy has become uncomfortable

That’s right! Sex in adulthood is not always fun and you will sometimes have to relive the same discomfort you felt before and during your first sexual intercourse as a teenager. You know, that feeling of being incompetent and uncomfortable in front of the other person. Remember the first time you were naked in front of another person, performed oral sex or cunnilingus. Were you confident? Probably not! You also remember that you overcame these discomforts and began to feel more comfortable over time. So now is the time to do the same with your eroticism and sensuality. You’re going to have to redefine your sexual self and your sexual preferences. It is important here not to lose your integrity, but to dare to explore spheres of sexuality that made you uncomfortable before.

Learning to manage your discomfort

Time and experimentation often lessen this feeling of being sexually incompetent and pleasure eventually enters the equation. Once again, it is not a question of not respecting or forcing ourselves for the other, but really questioning the blockages at our own pleasure. Getting to know yourself and being known sexually is a process that can be laborious and brings up emotions that are difficult to manage. However, just like the mountain metaphor, taking the trouble to overcome the obstacles in our path allows us to REACH NEW HEIGHTS that we have never imagined before.

François Renaud M.A.

Sexologist Psychotherapist Montreal

Specialized in couples therapy

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