What turns you on in sex?

If you go to see a sexologist and psychotherapist, you will probably be asked this question eventually. A little intrusive, awkward to answer such an intimate question to a stranger who has known you for a few hours. Sometimes, we don’t really know what to answer or what is the “right” answer that our sexologist wants to hear to be considered normal.

This is the answer I am often offered: “Well… there! Nothing abnormal there… uh. The traditional, typical things, but nothing boring here…” The fear of being judged on our sexual fantasies is very prevalent in general among individuals. We fear what others will think of our fantasies and what our body reacts to sexually.

Why ask?

Because your sexual preferences say a lot about you. How you were loved. How you love others. What are your insecurities, your emotional wounds. What are your strengths and limits in sexuality? Where are your sexual blocks. What kind of sex education did you receive? Everything for a person to be really comfortable revealing themselves! (read in a sacartic tone). Obviously, the goal is not to judge negatively, but to help people live a sexuality without “too much” blockage.

“Tell me how you make love and I’ll tell you how you were loved.”

– Ester Perel

The fantasy itself doesn’t really say much about you. Rather, it’s the meaning you bring to it and the elements that excite you more specifically. The sexologist psychotherapist notices and reflects observations that may indicate aspects that can “harm” your pleasure and satisfaction. Sexual fantasies and preferences are constructed according to our past relationship and sexual experiences. We often eroticize wounds or triumphs experienced. Our sexual imagination is a place where we feel in control of the situation, where we can leave ourselves fully free to explore the spheres of sexuality, without danger. A space where no one has access to the content. In short, a little secret garden!

Should we share our fantasies with our partners?

Even among sexologists and psychotherapists, we do not agree on the answer to this question. Some will prefer to have a certain secret garden, others strongly suggest unveiling, but only fantasies that we are comfortable sharing.

Can we really be honest and fully authentic with our partner if we refuse to reveal our fantasies? Can we really pretend that the other person knows us fully, if we don’t dare to lay ourselves bare in front of our lover? What improvement does the secret sexual garden provide to the couple’s sexuality? Can we harm the couple’s sexuality by revealing our fantasies?

“A person who accepts himself and assumes his sexuality in all its forms will prefer to be known and rejected rather than to be accepted for what he/she is not really.”

It is clear that revealing one’s fantasies comes with its share of emotion and meaning as listed above. Human beings have two fundamentally opposite desires. He wants to be known and share his inner self, but he also wants to be accepted, loved, appreciated by others. These two desires can be congruent sometimes, but fantasies often put them at odds in a romantic relationship. We want to share them with the other so much, but the risk of not getting acceptance is often too great.

Intimacy at its deepest

Sharing a fantasy is a moment of intimacy. Intimacy is defined as a self-disclosure where our partner discovers new information about us. When we reveal ourselves, we always take a risk that the other person will like us less, reject us or refuse to accept this part of ourselves. A person who accepts himself and assumes his sexuality in all its forms will prefer to be known and rejected than to be accepted for what he/she is not really.

The image we project of ourselves

To feel accepted, we filter the information we offer to be perceived in a good light. We hide our flaws or the parts of our sexuality that bother us. We trust the opinion of those around us more to define our value than based on our own perceptions of ourselves. An intimacy that is validated by the other, where we only let know the parts of our sexuality that we accept or that the other will accept. We then stagnate in sexuality, because part of it remains in darkness to protect ourselves from judgment and rejection.

Vomiting your intimacy

Sharing an intimate moment and being fully authentic is not about saying everything at once. I call it vomiting one’s intimacy rather than sharing. There is an advantage to not revealing everything immediately, as it maintains a mystery and novelty to discover in the exploration of sexuality with our lover in the long term. There is often a hidden desire to be accepted in the vomiting of one’s intimacy. This allows you to avoid getting involved and getting attached to another person to learn that they will eventually reject you.

The sharing of a fantasy must be perceived as a moment of vulnerability when the space will not necessarily be safe. Our partner may react well and rejoice in this sexual preference where he/she might also react badly. However, your partner’s reaction doesn’t determine your sexual worth. His reaction will be more decisive of his own issues than yours.

What do you like about sex?

The next time you are asked, will you be able to enjoy your sexuality and feel completely free to reveal your sexual preferences and fantasies? Will you filter the information to avoid rejection and maintain a more accepted image?

François Renaud M.A.

Sexologist Psychotherapist Montreal

Specialized in couples therapy

About the Author