The Politics of Sexual Desire

Do you know a couple who has had sexual difficulties, a breakdown of desire or the disappearance of libido? It is very likely that you will answer no, because people do not dare to talk about their intimate difficulty with their loved one to those around them. On the other hand, I find myself in my office with a panoply of individuals and couples with the challenges that sexuality brings.

It is one of the most complex mysteries for a couple to solve to keep the flame in a relationship and maintain sexual satisfaction with the same partner. Some will open up the couple to remedy the situation by looking for variety among several sexual partners. On the other hand, for those who prefer monogamy and the benefits it provides, how to get there? What are the challenges and pitfalls of a fulfilling sexuality? If I love my partner, shouldn’t I want him too?

I want to be wanted vs I need to be wanted

Everyone desires to be desired because it brings a pleasant feeling of being wanted, appreciated, loved and offers us validation of our person and desirability. Where the situation becomes less desirable is when we feel that the other needs to be desired. It is no longer an invitation to sexuality and a sharing of mutual pleasure, but the quest for comfort of a fragile ego. When our partner insists, teases, criticizes, or pressures us to have sex we don’t want, it decreases the sexual desire for him or her even more. We feel the lack of trust and dependence in the other person and without feeling that we are being offered anything in return.

A partner we desire sexually is a person we admire and respect, because he or she shows respect for yourself and for us. Without respect for oneself and for others, there can be no flame of desire. In all couples, there is an artenary Pwith Desire HigherDesire (PPD) and an Artenary Cartilage Musclewith Desire LessDesire (PMD) which generates a variety of dynamics. The PPD often needs to be desired, which motivates and justifies its relentlessness. He/she feels a lot of insecurity about his/her desirability which can only be comforted by the couple’s PMD.

The PPD paradox

The PPD does not really desire the PMD, but needs to be desired, which makes him/her less desirable by that very fact. The PPD has a job to do with respect to self-validation and to feel its own sense of desirability without being hurt by the PMD’s refusal. On the other hand, this is often presented by the PPD, even sometimes by the PMD, as being an immense biological libido that must be answered. If this were really the case, the PPD would not react so insistently and might be satisfied with masturbation if his sexual desire is motivated only by biological impulses.

This explanation and motivation for obtaining a sexual relationship also harms the PMD’s desire for the PPD, because the subtext of it is as follows: I don’t want you, I want sex. You are my partner so you have to meet this need to satisfy me, because we are in a monogamous relationship .

Moving from a need to be desired to a desire to be desired allows the PPD to demonstrate more confidence, sexual assertiveness and an invitation to share an intimate moment with the other. This approach, which is more inclusive in one’s sexuality than selfish, eliminates the sex dynamic for pity that is regularly found in long-term relationships.

PROGRAM: REKINDLING SEXUAL DESIRE

The PMD paradox

More often than rarely, the PMD also needs to be desired by their PPD. The PMD is also constantly reassured that their partner has more desire. It becomes less reassuring when the PPD validates himself more by himself/herself and no longer seeks a sexuality to satisfy his insecurities. When the PPD comforts itself and feels its own sense of desirability, it regularly triggers a reaction of insecurity in the PMD. The PPD no longer complains, does not criticize and he/she is no longer at the request of the PMD. This may take the pressure off in the short term, but in the long run it destabilizes the borrowed functioning of the relationship.

The position of not desiring one’s partner becomes threatening, because the other person has other options now. He/She no longer has the addiction that was certainly invasive, but also reassuring. It is not uncommon for the PMD to suddenly have a desire for the PPD, but this is not for the other, but a need to be desired. She/He tries to recreate hope for the other to regain the initial dynamic. If the PPD has not really validated and self-comforted in its insecurities, the borrowed functioning will start again. On the other hand, if real work on oneself has been accomplished, the PPD will refuse mediocre quality sexuality or sex out of pity. He/She will want a partner who offers a presence and a real interest in investing in the relationship and sexuality.

I want to desire the other

Who really desires? Not as many people as you think! Our narcissistic issues, our wounds of abandonment, our desire to please and the fear of rejection are more often the drivers of our sexual desire towards our partner. Few people want to take the risk of desiring the other more than they are desired. It is too risky and dangerous to be less wanted than we want our partner. This is why neither the PPD nor the PMD really wants to desire their spouse.

To be able to desire the other, one must demonstrate self-respect, confidence, and a sense of desirability. This is released by sexual assertiveness and an acceptance that our partner has more or less desire than us. However, it is not an acceptance that our partner disengages from sexuality, but a commitment to go beyond one’s limits to become a more mature partner.

Tolerating a deeper intimacy that gives meaning to sexuality for a monogamous couple requires developing relational and sexual maturity. Over time, we learn to tolerate discomfort and self-comfort our own insecurities rather than wishing our partner would adapt to them.

Author: François Renaud

Sexologist & Psychotherapist in Montreal

Specialized in couples therapy