Start Giving a Fuck About WHY you’re “Fucking!”

This article is based on a recent book I read: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck! As a sexologist psychotherapist, I really saw how this philosophy and mentality can really be applied to people’s sex lives.

Most people care WAYYYYYY too much about HOW they are having sex and very little about the WHY they are having it. When two or more people are having sex together they are constantly mind-mapping each other. What is mind-mapping you say? Basically, it means you are trying to figure out what the other person is thinking and feeling (more specifically about you) while you are fondling their genitals…or other parts of their body that you fancy.

Mind-mapping and sex

Mind-mapping is a great ability to feel your partner and be truly connected to them. Most people don’t use mind-mapping in this manner when having sex. They use their mind-mapping ability to determine if their good in bed. The majority of people, especially younger people, want to be reassured about their sexual competence. They give too much “FUCKS” about how they’re fucking! While completely ignoring WHY they are fucking.

What are you mind-mapping during sex?

• I wonder if my partner likes my body
• I make sure I use positions that put me in value, because I feel ashamed in certain positions
• I wonder if I am stimulating my partner correctly
• I wonder if I am a good sexual partner or if I’m better than previous sexual partners
• I hope they like the way I’m kissing, sucking and licking them
• I hope they like the way I’m touching them.
• I hope they want to have sex with me again

How do you choose which sexual activities or sexual stimulation you are going to do next during sex?

There is nothing natural and innate about sex. It is a decision-making process in constant ebb and flow with your partner(s).  

Saying you don’t think about much during sex is completely inconceivable because:

1. You are not a Buddhist monk who can empty his mind for 15 minutes and monks don’t even have sex anyways.
2. Your brain cannot stop thinking for that long, you would be clinically dead if you could do that.
3. Having sex with someone who is not thinking for 15 minutes would be a lousy sexual partner.
4. There are way too many decisions to take during sex for you to think about nothing.
5. What you think about during sex will either make it good, great, bad, or completely mind-blowing.

Every second of your sexual activities there is a decision that is being made by you and your partner(s). Whether that’s how you’re kissing them, to where you are touching them, to when you start fellatio, cunnilingus, or penetration. From how hard you squeeze their penis, to how much pressure you use with your fingers inside the vagina or on the clitoris. To when you start and stop looking into each other eyes. There is nothing natural and innate about sex. It is a decision-making process in constant ebb and flow with your partner(s).  

So why give a fuck about the WHY I am having sex instead of the HOW?

Shouldn’t I be paying attention to HOW I am having sex Frank, so that it’s good sex? Yes, of course you should! But the WHY you are having sex determines the HOW. If you pay more attention to the WHY, you can completely change HOW you are having sex and make it more satisfying.

So what are the reasons people have sex? In other words: WHY ARE YOU HAVING SEX?

• To give my partner(s) and myself an orgasm.
• To make me feel good about my sexual competence.
• To give my partner pleasure so that they like me and love me and want to have more sex with me.
• To make sure we have a sex life and we don’t end up like old couples and sexless (by the way, older couples have better sex than you).
• To avoid getting into fights about the lack of sex in the relationship.
• To make sure my partner doesn’t leave me or cheat on me.

People who have sex ONLY for the reasons mentioned above are why they consult me in sex therapy because most of the time this will lead inevitably to crappy sex and/or sexual difficulties. If you have sex to give yourself and your partner orgasm(s) or to be liked or avoid conflicts; that limits you to doing sexual activities that will lead you to that conclusion. You won’t try something new or risky or intimate, because those end up often not leading to orgasm or rubbing your ego. The issue is not having these WHY’S but only having these reasons when having sex. They limit your sexual potential greatly! You may not think you do it for those reasons but listen to the little voices in your heads that make you decide HOW you are having sex. You will be surprised how insecure you most likely are.

Would you have sex if orgasm didn’t even exist?

My clients often come to therapy sessions and realize that they are having sex with their fragile egos more than with their partner(s). What are the WHY’s that lead to better more enjoyable sex with others:

• I want my sex to make me feel connected sexually and/or emotionally with my partner(s).
• I want to feel pleasure during the entire sexual relationship, not just the orgasm, therefore an orgasm isn’t required to enjoy sex. Would you have sex if orgasm didn’t even exist?
•  I want to see my partner enjoying sex, not because of what I am doing to them, but how they are letting themselves go. Don’t rub your ego because your partner is enjoying it or having orgasm(s). You are simply accompanying them towards pleasure, you aren’t the cause of it.
• I want my sex to be playful and fun and I have no shame or fear of looking ridiculous. For many, sex is a serious thing. Let loose! Enjoy, you only have one life to live. You might as well be looking crazy silly when doing the dirty deed…

What really happens during sex

What I have noticed in sex therapy is that people think they have these reasons above when having sex, but their behavior contradicts them. When asked how they connect, they can’t really tell me. When asked what they focus on during sex, they tell me their partner’s pleasure, but rarely their own. When asked how much “trying to give and have an orgasm” decides their sexual behaviors, they answer: “A lot”. When asked if they look into each other’s eyes, they say that is really awkward if done for more than 7 seconds.

We have this great perception that sex is a meeting of two (or more) bodies and souls when in reality our insecurities take the front row seat on the driver’s side. We let our fragile egos take over rather than being sexually present with our partner. That is because we care too much about HOW we fuck, then WHY we are fucking!

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sex therapist & psychotherapist Montreal

Specialized in couple’s and sex therapy

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