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The difference in sexual desire is one of the most frequent topics in couple therapy. Sexual desire is defined as an impulse, an attraction to another person with the intention of engaging in sexual activities, real or imagined. However, each individual has a unique sexual desire that varies according to the moment and context. This desire is influenced by multiple emotional, physical, cultural and psychological factors. In a couple, these differences in sexual desire can create tension, especially when expectations about the frequency or type of sexual relations diverge. There are different types and categories of sexual desire , each of which brings its share of dynamics in a couple. The type of sex and how often we would like to have it can be very different from our partner’s.

In each relationship, there is an artenary Pwith a Fat DDesire (PGD) and an Artenar Pwith a Faible DDesire (PFD). In other words, we always end up with one person who wants sex more often than the other. Roles are reversible and change throughout a relationship and can apply to both men and women, regardless of sexual orientation. Generally, at the beginning of a relationship, we see very little difference in our partner. On the other hand, the more time goes by, we start to notice that he has a partner who initiates more often, wants more, avoids it or pretends to like sex. A rule of couple dynamics is that the PFD controls sexuality by choice or not. It controls the when, how, frequency and why of sexuality. They control themselves because it is the partner who wants it the least and therefore they have the choice to accept or refuse to have sex. Most of the time, this is where the bickering and insults begin:

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The roles between the DMP and the PFD are often reversible and can evolve over time. By learning to discuss sexual desire topics without judgment, partners can establish common ground, reduce frustrations, and rekindle intimacy and complicity in the relationship. For more details on couples therapy, you can consult our page dedicated to couples therapy.

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We are a couple, we are supposed to have sex

In the difference in sexual desire, this dynamic is very common in couples who do not know how to deal with rejection in relation to sexuality. He believes that sex owed them or that it is the task of the partner because they are a couple. Typically, the Partenar with a Grand Ddesir (PGD) will initiate more often and when it has been refused after multiple times, it may become even less desirable. They put all the blame on the partner who has less desire, which makes their situation worse. Some will go even further, where they will stop putting effort into seduction to initiate a sexual relationship, while assuming that the other person will meet their need. If his need is not met, he will put the blame on their partner.

The DMP acts in this way to protect themselves from the feelings of rejection they feel. When a person has been rejected on several occasions in relation to sexuality, it is very common to start doubting his desirability. The DMP may tend to choose to put less effort into seduction, as it is even more painful to put themselves more vulnerable and be rejected again. The feeling of powerlessness is also very common among DMPs. So, the most common pattern is to start asking the PFD in a detached way or with a lot of resentment or apprehension to have sex. Rather than creating desire in the other by being desirable and seductive yourself.

On the other hand, the Partner with Low Desire (PFD) could be perceived as having “control” of the situation. Indeed, he or she can be the one who decides when, how and why of sexual relations. In theory, this may seem easier for the PFD. However, this role of control is often heavy to bear. PFDs often face repeated pressures and demands from their partners, forcing them to set boundaries constantly. This creates stress and a feeling of guilt. PFDs may also feel inadequate as partners, as they are afraid of losing their partner if they do not meet their sexual expectations.

Even though they seem to have control over the situation, PFDs sometimes find themselves in a position where they offer sex out of pity to appease their partner. This type of sex, motivated by the concern not to hurt the other, is rarely pleasant or desired. As a result, this can lead to feelings of emotional disengagement and deterioration in intimacy. The lack of sincere pleasure can make this dynamic even more toxic. The PFD feels desired out of pity, which can damage their own self-esteem and affect the quality of the sexual relationship.

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Few couples will admit that they have sex out of pity, but it’s probably the most common type of sex in long-term relationships. Especially in relationships where the dynamics of the DMP and PFD have not been managed in a healthy way. A difficulty of sexual desire in a couple that has not been worked on usually causes difficulties at the level of alliance in the relationship. Let’s go deeper into this sex dynamic for pity’s sake. This is defined as sex that we offer to our partner to avoid conflict or the break-up of the relationship or to stop him or her complaining. As you might expect, sex for pity is the worst type of sex you can imagine giving or receiving. This is neither interesting nor pleasant for any of the partners. The PFD who offers this to the couple’s DMP are most often than not very passive and disinterested in the sexual relationship. The DMP will most of the time realize this, but will desperately try to ignore it because it is too painful for their self-esteem. The PFD can even make comments similar to this one: “Let’s get over with moving on!”

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What’s even more surprising about this situation is that not only does the PFD offer this type of unpleasant sexuality, but the DMP accepts it. In fact, they will often say to themselves: “If I don’t accept this, I won’t have any at all!” This type of thinking works more often than not against the person who maintains this line of behavior. Not only is having this perception a lack of respect for oneself, but also for the other partner. Think about it for a moment: Why should the PFD put any effort into sexuality, if you’re willing to accept the worst sex of your life? This type of lack of self-respect makes a person particularly undesirable. Also, if the PFD doesn’t feel respected because their partner takes them for an object to satisfy their sexual need, we shouldn’t expect it to last very long or that our partner likes sex with the PGD. This dynamic makes the PFD feel that he is undesirable in his eyes and therefore will not have the ability to feel desire for others, because he loses their integrity.

Restoring a healthy dynamic: How to get out of the vicious circle?

To break this cycle, it is essential to re-establish open communication about sexual and emotional expectations. The sexologist or psychotherapist can help the couple understand the dynamics between the DMP and the PFD and find respectful and balanced solutions. The goal is not only to satisfy the desires of one or the other, but to strengthen the complicity and create a space where both partners feel listened to, respected and desirable.

Discussions about sexuality should be accompanied by an acknowledgement of each partner’s needs, while encouraging mutual seduction and reciprocity. This process takes time, but it allows you to break out of the cycle of rejection and guilt, and create a fulfilling and harmonious sexual relationship.

READ THE NEXT CHAPTER OF THE DOSSIER:

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Valuing oneself engenders sexual desire! : Overcoming the
fear of rejection.

Learn more about the author

François Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Downtown Montreal