Low libido and how to regain it

A common sexual difficulty

The decrease in sexual desire or loss of libido is the main reason for couples to consult a therapist with a sexologist or psychotherapist. It is also one of the most difficult sexual problems to treat in therapy. It is therefore important to consult a professional who has the specialty and experience to treat the situation.

Why do we lose our libido?

Contrary to popular belief, women do not lose their sexual desire any more than men. In fact, libido problems are just as present in heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual, lesbian couples and even open or polyamorous couples.

The lack of novelty

We lose interest in sexuality in a couple because the sexual routine sets in. I’m not talking about the daily routine of sleep, subway, work, housework, sleep. Sexual relations become repetitive and predictable over time, creating little element of surprise. In other words, sexuality becomes boring!

When you always initiate and seduce sexuality in the same way, predictability becomes uninteresting. This is why our sexual desire is generally easier to have at the beginning of a relationship when everything is new. We discover for the first time the other and ourselves in a new sexuality. Diversity can easily be found with other partners, which often leads to extramarital affairs or infidelity. On the other hand, variety can also be worked on in our couple and our monogamous sexuality.

Recurring arguments

Conflicts in the couple increase over time as we get to know our partner better. This highlights the differences and the arguments multiply. These disputes force us to make choices in our relationship that are not always pleasant and affect our satisfaction with the relationship.

The more the couple’s dissatisfaction grows, the less we admire and sexually desire our boyfriend or girlfriend. The mismanagement of these conflicts leads to emotional distancing creating bitterness and resentment. Ingredients that kill sexual desire and create various sexual problems.

Flattering the ego rather than the genitals

We like to be good in bed. We talk about it in magazines, movies, TV, among our friends, etc. In short, there is a lot of pressure to be better than others, because even our partners have expectations. The top positions to do, the number of orgasms, the frequency of sex per week, the duration to offer the most BANG for our partner.

However, all this pressure puts a heavy and unnecessary weight on achieving satisfaction. If people focused more on their own pleasure rather than their partner’s, mutual ecstasy would be more easily attainable.

The Lack of Depth of Intimacy

Humans are a species that adapts and evolves throughout their lives. We are the only animal to have a prefrontal cortex in our brain. This part of the brain is the key to accessing deeper sexual intimacy in our romantic relationships. However, we must learn to evolve through our sexual experiences and relationships.

To get there, we have to go through a phase of our relationship that is very difficult and forces us to question our relationship and our own identity. This rather shaky process is avoided and constantly postponed by the majority of couples. Moreover, it is often through sexual difficulties and more particularly the loss of sexual desire that this stage is triggered.

The lack of love for the other… yes not really!

Strangely, this is rarely the reason that leads to the loss of sexual desire. In fact, the majority of couples who consult in couples therapy are still in love, do not argue and offer each other affection and tenderness on a regular basis. What is really missing is sexual seduction. What is this exactly? The people in my office rarely distinguish between sexual and emotional seduction. The difference is in the intention behind the behavior. You can kiss, touch, look, caress etc. romantically or sexually. The message does not get across in the same way. Most of the time, the seduction of love is present, but the sexual intention is not there.

You’re ready to make changes!

Seduce, not just initiate

Put a little effort into your approach to your desires. The simple: “Are you tempted to soe?” is not particularly exciting. Increase your desire and that of your loved one through a sexual atmosphere and tension that rises to a crescedo. Try different approaches and don’t be discouraged if the first or second strategy doesn’t work. Avoid reproaching the other person for his or her lack of initiative or interest in sexuality. Instead, try to understand him/her.

Don’t say “no” reflexively when your partner approaches you sexually. Acknowledge that he/she is showing interest in spending intimate time together. Let yourself be carried away by the moment and play the game of seduction with the other person. It may or may not rise and know that you can stop at any time. And this, without criticism from your partner.

Get out of your comfort zones

Don’t always do the same things in bed. Change your attitude and your way of being. Make love, fuck fiercely or tenderly, look into each other’s eyes, experiment with your fantasies, move quickly or sensually, dare to do things that can be a little awkward. To rekindle your flame, why not try the experience of a naughty box whose contents remain a surprise until it is opened.

Discomfort is part of sexuality at times of exploration, on the other hand, we must respect each other in our sexual activities and our respective rhythms. However, trying new things can come with uncertainty that needs to be overcome. Be kind to yourself and your partner. Have fun like it’s the first time you’ve met.

François Renaud M.A.

Sexologist Psychotherapist Montreal

Specialized in couples therapy

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