As we have discussed in the previous articles, neither the P artenar with a Grand Ddesir (PGD), nor the Partenaire with a Faible Ddesir PFD has a better position in the couple than the other. It is not uncommon for partners to complain that they have a bad reputation in the couple and that their partner should understand their situation better. In fact, each of the members of the relationship has to deal with the same thing, but in different ways.

The PFD is caught in a similar circumstance to the DMP, where they don’t want the sex they are offered for all sorts of reasons, but at the same time they don’t want to lose their partner. They know very well that if they don’t offer sex to their partner from time to time, the latter will leave them because they will be too dissatisfied. Since they don’t want that, they will offer what is called sex from time to time out of pity. Not only is offering sex out of pity the worst thing to do in a couple where there’s a significant difference in the level of desire, it makes the PFD feel like a nobody. Although sex for pity allows you to be left alone for a while by the PGD, it won’t be long before she knocks on the door again to get more. This is where PFDs cannot sustain their efforts and end up losing their integrity.

Now you’re probably wondering what self-respect and integrity have to do with sexual desire. Contrary to general thought, sexual desire that lasts over time is not only attributed to the level of desirability of our partner. It is also based on our self-perception and opinion, which the PFD generally does not have in high regard. When a person offers his or her body to their lover for sex without really taking great pleasure or even not at all, the person begins to appreciate herself less and less. She realizes that she is willing to put herself down in a significant way to avoid conflict or a breakup. This does not allow that person to feel desirable and by the very effect does not
sexually desire others.

Many PFDs actually have a lot of sexual desire bubbling up beneath the façade of disinterest. On the other hand, they do not want to have sex with their partner. Their sex life may have been satisfying at the beginning of the relationship, but like any sex life, it becomes repetitive and therefore boring. It often becomes predictable, planned (especially when the couple has children) and monotonous. It requires more and more effort to get sexually aroused and passion is replaced by speed to act out as quickly as possible. Most PFDs will start to feel this dynamic faster than the DMP, but they won’t say anything to avoid hurting feelings. Sometimes, it will also be to avoid having to put the necessary effort into their sexuality. Some PFDs have a very erotic sexual imagination, but they will never have shared it with their partner for fear of being rejected, judged or perceived as pervert, etc. So they don’t have the sexuality they want to explore, so eventually and inevitably they lose almost all of their sexual desire. As they find themselves in a dynamic of intimacy validated by the other, just like the DMP, they only reveal the elements they believe or know that their partner will accept.

So, you feel like you have little self-respect and integrity for having accepted sex out of pity for so long. Would you like to have a better sex life, but don’t know how your partner will react to your proposals? You are afraid of hurting feelings and putting your relationship in jeopardy. Well! You are in exactly the right context to change things! This is your opportunity to grow personally and become more mature by facing your insecurities and doubts about yourself. But why would you want to make all these efforts? If you learn to deal with this situation, you build your self-esteem, your integrity and this will increase your sense of desirability. Your sexual desire will come back and will be more natural to experience.

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First, stop offering sex for pity’s sake. Second, start being more assertive about what you like about sexuality or otherwise find out your sexual preferences if you don’t know them. Stop avoiding your partner’s sexual advances and get into the game of seduction with them. Or at least, have the courage to say that you are not in this state of mind and propose another intimate activity. Try to think before you say “NO” to sexuality and take some time to think about why you don’t want to. Is it just an automatic response? Are you avoiding your own sexual insecurities? Maybe you don’t like intimacy and prefer not to be actually known by your partner?

Changing our couple and sexual dynamics is not a simple task and it requires self-confrontation. You have to learn to comfort yourself and think about the answers you offer. It only takes one person to work on our relationship, but it’s always easier to do it in a collaborative alliance.

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François Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal