Jealousy is a universal emotion in human beings that we have all felt at one time or another. That small or big feeling of pinching in the stomach that is felt, sometimes in spite of us. Jealousy is particularly present in romantic relationships and some go so far as to value its presence in a couple. However, despite its universality, jealousy is absolutely useless in romantic relationships. There is a gender difference in this regard (Harris, 2003; Weghosrt, 1982). More specifically, men are threatened by their partner’s sexual conquests, while women are afraid of losing a romantic partner.

Proof of love

We often hear people justify their jealousy as a demonstration of love towards their partner. First, we need to make it clear: jealousy is not proof of love for our partner. On the contrary, it is a lack of love for oneself. A person who feels jealousy shows a lack of self-confidence and imagines that they will be left for someone else. She therefore does not recognize her true value and has the impression that their partner wants to replace them, when the chance presents itself. This implies that we consider others to be a threat to the stability of our relationship. We show concern, fears and apprehensions when we express our jealousy in front of our partner. Conversely, a person with good self-esteem (non-jealous) has a sense of security in his romantic relationships and he demonstrates to the other his love (engendered by his satisfaction with the couple) and not his jealousy (created by a feeling of insecurity).

Jealousy protects against infidelity

Some will explain that their jealousy allows them to protect themselves from their partner’s infidelities. Again, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Jealousy leads to questioning, unwarranted suspicion, constant surveillance, and a lack of trust in the other. A perfect recipe if you like to fight! These behaviors tend to push our partner towards another person, because he or she becomes dissatisfied with his or her romantic relationship with a jealous person. So jealousy creates precisely what we fear most: distancing and possibly losing our partner. In addition, it will not be uncommon for the partner under incessant supervision to end up wanting to leave such a sequestering relationship by being unfaithful. Jealousy can therefore create infidelity in the couple rather than avoid it. Obviously, a large part of infidelity belongs to the person who has had extramarital affairs. On the other hand, jealous people will have to recognize their role in the dynamics and impact they have on their partner.

The total absence of jealousy demonstrates detachment and indifference

“I like it when my partner is jealous because it shows that they care about me.” This typical phrase is as false as saying that jealousy is proof of love. Couples with this dynamic seek to bring up a feeling of jealousy in their partner when they need to be reassured about their relationship. They are looking for attention when they feel distance being created between them. It is then believed that a partner who demonstrates his or her feelings of jealousy is not indifferent or detached. However, there are different healthier ways to give and receive your lover’s attention. Concocting a plan to make our partner feel jealous does not demonstrate a balanced dynamic in a couple. It is paradoxical to make our partner jealous, an unpleasant and painful emotion, to attract his or her attention and consequently his or her love.

Trust in one’s partner, but not in others

A jealous person often expresses trust in their partner, but not in the others who are lurking around. We then imagine that our partner has no choice in these behaviors and that it will be the other who will seduce our defenseless beloved. Strange way of thinking, isn’t it? You have to quickly get used to the idea that you always have a choice to make when another person seduces you. So, our partner chooses to enter the game of seduction or not. The responsibility lies entirely with our partner. A partner is not a territory that must be protected from others. Everyone is able to make decisions about his or her actions when faced with the choice of being faithful or unfaithful.

Also, people who seduce other people’s partners should not get into arguments to justify jealousy. First, they may not be informed of your status as a couple. Secondly, the commitment of fidelity was made between you and your partner and not with the rest of the population. Thirdly, we have no control over others and that includes your partner. It is therefore necessary to trust him or her that he or she will withdraw from any behavior that would lead him or her to infidelity.

If you can’t trust your partner in this regard, it will first be necessary to question yourself. How do you imagine a situation where your partner is seduced? How does he/she react? In the opposite circumstances, what does a scenario where you are seduced by another person look like? How do you react? There are some individuals or couples who project onto the other their own inability to remain faithful. Under these conditions, they eliminate all possibilities where temptation would exist for their partner. As a result, we find people who are limited by their partner rather than by themselves.

To conclude, it’s important to understand that feelings of jealousy are likely to always exist. Few people are completely confident and sure of themselves in all respects. We all have wounds that make us feel unpleasant emotions, including jealousy.

However, it is important that they do not reduce the satisfaction of our relationship by generating destructive behaviors. It is important not to justify our jealous behaviour by claiming that we are doing it for the good of the couple. In addition, it is essential that we try for ourselves, our partner and our couple to work on our jealousy.

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