(Feminine and masculine pronouns are regularly interchanged in this article)

Following the first refusal experienced by the Partner who has More Sexual Desire (PPD) who initiated a sexual relationship, there is the possibility that the couple’s sex life begins its descent. Refusal may have been avoided for a long time, as the Partner with the Least Sexual Desire (PMD) offered sex out of pity.

The rejection and sometimes even humiliation that the partner feels in the face of the refusal has a significant impact on his or her esteem and actions afterwards. This person may try to put pressure on the other person in obvious or subtle ways to fulfill their sexual desires. The more refusals and rejections she receives, the less effort she will put into seduction and will decrease the frequency of her sexual initiations. The PPD accumulates its frustration over time and its anger will be felt by the other. Sometimes he will put so much pressure that he will become unpleasant for the PMD. The pressure and tension then increase towards the PMD in order to respond to the sexual desire of the PPD.

The PMD constantly feels pressure from the other and tries to avoid as much as possible the seduction as well as the sexual initiatives coming from the PPD. The PMD can criticize the real or perceived pressure of the PPD in an attempt to minimize it. The PPD also sometimes has difficulty dealing with this pressure that he/she imposes on the other even when he/she tries not to.

The couple then finds themselves faced with the dilemma of wanting to eliminate this pressure that drives the PMD away from sexuality. The PMD may mention that this pressure causes tension in the couple and kills their sexual desire. He can no longer feel free and his desire cannot occur naturally or spontaneously. He feels invaded by the other and invokes that the solution is to restrict the seduction and sexual initiations coming from the PPD. This logic makes sense to some degree for the PPD, which recognizes that its attempts at rapprochement generally lead nowhere.

The Initial Agreement

The couple agrees that the PMD will now make the advances and initiate sexuality when she wants and feels the need to do so. The PPD, on the other hand, will be passive and will wait (often impatiently) for its partner’s initiatives.

A serious mistake that couples and sometimes therapists suggest as a solution to the problem.

Here’s how it usually works:

(We could also change the duration of this situation from day to week for some couples)

Day 1: The PMD feels free and pressure-free, which allows them to have a pleasant day. The PPD hopes for an initiative from the PMD, but understands that it is taking its time.

Day 2: The PMD is happy to have experienced a day of freedom. He wants to enjoy it more and waits another day. The PPD is still waiting.

Day 3: The pressure is starting to be felt by the PMD which is now 3 days old without any initiative. He feels that the PPD expects an initiative, which puts pressure on him and kills his desire once again. The PPD is still patiently waiting for its partner’s initiative and is subtly demonstrating its impatience.

Day 4: The PPD is starting to get impatient and irritable that nothing happens. He waited all week and he didn’t put any pressure as he had decided. The PMD senses the subtle or obvious impatience of his partner and feels justified in not initiating, because he always feels pressure.

Day 5: BOOOM!! The argument begins. The PPD expresses its frustration and impatience that the PMD has still not made a sexual initiative despite the prior agreement. The PMD justifies that it felt pressure all week, because it felt obliged to do so following their agreement. The PPD feels that there is no way to win and get the sexuality it desires.

A few months later: The couple repeats the devil’s pact hoping for different results.

 

Deconstructing the Devil’s Pact

This agreement does not work because it forces each of the partners to be in a position that they do not really want and this amplifies the dynamic already in place. The PPD is asked to extinguish his/her sexual desire while the PMD is asked to initiate the sexuality he/she is trying to avoid. On the contrary, the PMD should increase its ability to set its limits and the PPD should increase its sexual desire in an assumed and seductive way.

If this seems paradoxical to you, it’s completely normal! However, it is the maintenance of one’s integrity and respect for oneself and for others that arouses sexual desire and not the pressure or obligation to have sex in one’s relationship.

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