To reveal or not to reveal infidelity?

Confession: a good way to start from scratch

A couple that is on the rocks can be the cause of an extramarital affair. By admitting infidelity, the risk of seeing one’s relationship shattered is then important. So should you really tell your partner? When the regret is too great and there is a real desire to rebuild your relationship, the confession can allow you to start over on a good basis. Indeed, the truth almost always ends up coming to light. However, it may be prudent for the cheated partner to learn the news from the unfaithful person rather than finding out by chance or as a result of lengthy investigations carried out alone or with the help of a Private Investigator. A study conducted in 2011 by the magazine Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that the break-up rate is much higher if the infidelity is discovered by chance by the partner (80% break-up) than if the unfaithful person decides to admit his or her mistake by himself (45% break-up). Revealing infidelity will help show your partner that you regret what you have done, that you can’t stand the situation as it is now and that you want to find a solution together. While a confession may end your story in half of the cases, it can also give it a new lease of life. Indeed, it can generate awareness and highlight what is not working in the couple. The revelation then opens up discussion and helps the couple find solutions together. When confessing, however, it is useless to explain everything in detail (even if the other person indicates that he or she wants to know everything). For example, providing details of sexual activity will only create additional suffering and make the situation worse. On the contrary, it is important to understand together why the extramarital affair took place. What was the meaning of it for the person who was unfaithful? What was the decision-making process to take action?

Admit everything: not always the best idea!

In some situations, there are people who prefer to keep the extramarital relationship a secret. This is particularly the case if infidelity is an exceptional mistake that will not be repeated or, on the contrary, if the deception has made it possible to understand that the feelings felt towards the other person are not as important as we thought and that we want to put an end to their relationship. However, ethically and morally, it could be considered that the partner has a right to make an informed choice about the circumstances of the relationship. If there is a breach of the fidelity contract, isn’t it a responsibility to inform the person concerned?

An exceptional mistake: keeping infidelity to yourself?

Have you been unfaithful once? You have given in to your impulses, but you don’t understand why because you love your partner and you are sure of the solidity of your relationship. Disclosing infidelity in these circumstances could risk upsetting your relationship, but also your family situation as a whole. This can shake your relationship by creating repeated conflicts, a loss of trust or jealousy within the couple. For some, if the conditions of infidelity have occurred in a one-off way and there is no intention to see the person again or to be unfaithful again, then they will prefer not to say anything to their partner.

The end of a story

If infidelity has made you aware of the fragility of a relationship and the fact that there is no desire to see it last, then admitting infidelity to your partner could increase the suffering and ask yourself a multitude of unnecessary questions. Some will want to know about the existence of infidelity, thus giving an explanation for the breakup or a greater ease of starting to grieve the relationship.

Sincerity within the couple, although very important, is not the only possible option that people who have had extramarital affairs choose. In some cases, some keep their secret garden to preserve their couple and their family. As long as the infidelity is not repeated and does not last, they keep the relationship a secret. If, on the other hand, the cheating becomes recurrent or the extramarital relationship lasts over time, some will take the time to reflect on the origin of their actions. Indeed, in most cases, this is related to a personal problem or difficulties encountered in one’s relationship. A sexologist and psychotherapist can then help understand the causes of infidelity.

François Renaud M.A.

Sexologist Psychotherapist Montreal

Specialized in couples therapy

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