No one likes to be rejected, especially by a person to whom we express romantic feelings and whose value often exceeds the value we place on ourselves. In a sexual High Desire Partner (PGD) and Low Desire Partner (LDP) dynamic, both members of the couple feel rejected, but in different ways. This perpetual fear of rejection too often leads a couple’s dynamic to forge an unhealthy alliance. Our source of self-worth comes mainly from the perception that others have of us. The more important they are in our lives, the more their opinion alters our perception of ourselves.

As the LDP controls sexuality in all these forms, it also controls the value that the DMP gives itself in relation to itself. Since most couples use intimacy that is validated by each other, it’s hard for CEOs to feel valued and desirable when their partner constantly rejects them. When a person has been repeatedly denied sexual advances, it is not uncommon to question our own desirability. When our sense of value and desirability is based on the perception of others towards us and especially that of our partner, rejection is difficult to digest. The doubt that the DMP feels about his desirability makes him even less desirable. We’ve all heard that confidence is the key ingredient to being an attractive person, especially when it comes to sex. Well! The rule also applies in long-term relationships and this trust is never acquired.

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So, DMPs, who have their value determined by their partner’s perception rather than their own, tend to be undesirable because they act that way. When we don’t feel confident, our way of being, seducing and flirting demonstrates this shortcoming. PGDs begin to want sex not to fulfill a sexual desire, but rather because she seeks validation that it is desirable. If we look at this situation more closely, DMPs ask their partner to show them that they are desirable and attractive because they do not feel or perceive it themselves. It’s a vicious cycle of undesirableness!

This is where the hard work begins! In a relationship where there is probably no collaborative alliance, there is Normal Relational Sadism (RNS) and we are facing an emotional impasse, the first thing that comes to mind is to end the relationship. On the other hand, we have put so much time, effort and investment into the relationship that we don’t want to throw everything at the door. In addition, we will have to face the same complications in the next relationship in a different, but similar way.

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It is at this stage of the couple that we must work on our emotional balance if we want to get through these obstacles that are detrimental to the happiness of the couple. First, we must begin to act in a desirable way. Stop blaming and start confronting yourself about your own insecurities and flaws in the relationship. Put effort into the relationship and take the time to analyze where you tend to have shortcomings. Reinvent yourself, be spontaneous and adventurous in your relationship with your partner and yourself. Take charge of your life, go out, try new things, build your own confidence through non-sexual experiences outside of your relationship. It is important not to perceive this as a time of stopping or avoiding difficulty. It’s a time of self-reflection where you’re going to get to know yourself and who you’d like to be in life. Motivate and inspire yourself, it makes a person attractive and desirable. Have passions of your own. Finally, stop taking things so personally! Some things probably belong to your partner more than to you. If it relates to you, have the maturity to reflect on it and improve on what you are being criticized for by taking it as constructive feedback.

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Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will your self-esteem. You must learn to tolerate suffering, anxiety, frustration, and fear to be able to grow as a person and become a healthy adult in a fulfilling romantic relationship.

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François Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal