Women get tired of the sexual routine more quickly

There is this misconception that women have less sexual desire than men, especially in heterosexual relationships. There is a misconception that men are the sex that wants more sex. However, there are just as many couples in therapy where the man is the Partenaire with lesssexual desire(PMD) in the relationship. On the other hand, we don’t talk about it much in society, because there is a stigma for a man to have less desire than his partner. There is also a stigma for a woman to have more. They are often considered as “nymphomaniac” which is to the detriment of the expression of their sexuality.

Repression of female sexual desire

It is easy to see that the expression of sexual desire in women is not rewarding for her, especially in adolescence. Boys are strongly encouraged to do so and those who do not do so are stigmatized. For girls, we quickly fall into demeaning terms that damage their reputation. So, they internalize quite quickly that their sexual desire must be repressed, hidden or romanticized in order to be accepted. The only type of sexual desire that is not judged negatively in girls is the desire where they are in love with a person (a boy or a girl).

Masturbation

To compare the speech and comfort surrounding masturbation in men and women. It is assumed that a man masturbates in our society, which is not necessarily the case. When we ask women the question, there is often discomfort and a reluctance to want to answer. Something that is very rarely found among men and young boys. Even among teenage girls, the mere mention can be received with disgust by other girls.

Masturbating is making love to the person you love the most!

As an adult

Women therefore learn once they are adults that they should not be too sexual and sexual. They have internalized that the expression of their sexuality will be perceived pejoratively and to the detriment of their image and reputation. Once in a relationship, they must continue to repress their sexuality and maintain the appearance that they are the couple’s PMDs .

In the clinic, we observe…

What we notice in couple therapy with a sexologist psychotherapist is often a very different story. Women don’t have less desire, but they get tired of the sexuality that they allow themselves and that are offered to them. This is as true for heterosexual couples as it is for lesbian couples.

Killer Sex Routine

Women, in general, tire more quickly of the lack of variety in their sexuality. Predictability and redundancy are less acceptable to them. On the other hand, since they do not have the “permission” to express their sexuality, they suffer what is offered to them. They don’t dare ask for more for fear of judgment or hurting their partner’s fragile ego.

The phenomenon of “50 shades of Grey” demonstrates how much sexual desire women have. More and more, we notice that she demands more sexuality and demonstrates their sexual preferences. However, resistance persists and it comes as much from men as from women themselves.

If women’s sexuality was not so ferocious and threatening, why is it so repressed around the world?

Sexual creativity brings risks

To get out of the sexual routine, you have to work on your sexual creativity. Theoretically simple, practically very difficult. When you learn all your life to repress your sexuality, your sexual preferences, and your sexual desire, it is difficult to take an active role in sexual relationships. Taking one’s place when this type of behaviour is not valued in women causes a lot of insecurity. Even between two lesbian women, it can be difficult.

We also take the risk that the other person does not like what we offer them or does not share the same fantasies. We can be disappointed that the other person doesn’t get into the role and that the acting or the sexual scene is “lous”.

Talk pig!

Let’s take a more concrete example. You have always been rather quiet in your sexual relations where you do not speak during the act. You’ve always had this fantasy of saying “dirty” things but you’ve never dared to do it. You finally take your courage in both hands and you start with an unexpected and salacious sentence that confuses your partner. He/she doesn’t know how to answer it, the discomfort sets in… The mood broken. You feel ridiculous and your partner is a bit ‘turner off’ by surprise.

The premeditated spanking!

This time you get ahead of yourself by explaining to your spouse that you have always dreamed of receiving slaps on the buttocks during penetration and that sexuality would be more “rough” and passionate. So, this time we avoid the surprise so as not to find ourselves in the same discomfort. The evening is high in sexual tension, you are desiring your lover. Sex begins and kisses are different and more pleasant than usual. You are there after several minutes of caresses and you anticipate with great excitement the slap on the buttocks. Your partner takes you from behind and gives you THE said tap… but “pouit pouit“… it was too gentle and lacked passionate firmness. You’re disappointed! Your partner didn’t live up to your expectations. You don’t say anything to him/her so as not to hurt him/her and make him/her feel incompetent.

In short!

These stories may have happened before or a similar one with its own subtleties. So you’ve given up on the idea of being sexually creative, because it requires a lot of effort, apprehension, disappointment, and conflict in your sexuality. You then accept the sex you are offered, you quietly lose the sexual desire for your partner to preserve the relationship and not go too far out of your respective comfort zones.

Women have no less sexual desire than men. They are just less interested in the sexuality offered to them in their long-term relationships.

-Esther Perel

It’s up to you ladies to decide if you’re ready to get the sexuality you desire or stay in the status quo to keep the relationship intact at all costs.

François Renaud M.A.

Sexologist Psychotherapist Montreal

Specialized in couples therapy

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